A Partner’s Account of Depression & Anxiety

The following is my boyfriend Tom’s account of my mental health journey in his pure and honest words. 

 

I generally consider myself to be an easy-going and pleasant person who would gladly avoid drama at all cost. Like most, I have encountered problems in my life that pertain to relationships, making poor choices and so on. I believe that we must all be faced with these things in order to learn and move on as a bettered person, especially in our younger years. ‘Depression’ and ‘Anxiety’ had no meaning to me until a few years ago. They were just words; I had no association with them.

My first dealing with both depression and anxiety was on Monday 29th September 2014, and was not of my own experience. I had put together a live band for my music and had been actively performing in London throughout the summer. I had been in a relationship with my partner, Sarah, for almost a year and was awaiting her arrival at The Bedford in Balham, a well renowned music venue in South London. I had traveled straight from work in Hertfordshire and had arranged for Sarah to travel up from Essex with my electric guitar and pedal board. Out of the blue, I received a text message that read along the lines of ‘I haven’t left yet :(’. As you might imagine, I was rather worried about what the problem was and where it left me and my band in regards to the looming gig. There really wasn’t much time for Sarah to spare before it would have been too late for her to arrive in time with my stuff. Nothing like this had been a problem before and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. Sarah answered my phone call in tears, stating that she had no motivation to get up and leave. She thought it may have been down to the fact that we had been so busy recently, leaving her feeling tired and overwhelmed. I didn’t understand. I felt both worried and annoyed at the same time as we had made these arrangements together. I’ll cut the story short here and just tell you that Sarah managed to get herself on the train to London and arrived just about in time for our set that evening. This was the first time of many that depression and anxiety has reared its ugly head into our relationship.

The events that had unfolded on that night reoccurred in the following months, without exception. It was almost as if a switch in Sarah had been activated and that something uncontrollable was happening to her, both mentally and physically. Over some time, this caused (and at times still does) huge frustration for all involved, including Sarah, myself and both of our families and friends. Nobody had any clue what was going on or what the problem was. In a moment, things could go from great to the exact opposite. Bursts of tears, arguments and extreme emotion for what sometimes seemed like no reason at all. To be open and honest, I thought that Sarah was being completely unreasonable and selfish during these times, little had I know that it was not of her own intention.

Getting ready to leave the house became a huge problem, including Sarah choosing what to wear. This would sometimes result in me going through Sarah’s far too overloaded wardrobe piece by piece and saying ‘how about this?’ what felt like a million times whilst Sarah sat on the bed crying and repeatedly stating that ‘she had nothing to wear’! We now recognise that this issue was probably more down to the anxiety of going out into a social situation than it was really about clothes. Another thing that to this day is hard to come to terms with is how and where to draw the line between ‘Is this depression?’ or ‘Is this something that everyone experiences sometimes?’. There were occasions that I felt perhaps Sarah’s episodes were brought on by very usual circumstances and stresses that we all face. However, I have learned that the difference is that normally we can calm down and quickly move on past these feelings, yet Sarah cannot always do that and can feel stuck thinking about what has gone wrong, rather than thinking about what to do next or how to resolve a problem. This is an example of just one situation that we found had been reoccurring on almost a daily basis to begin with.

After a couple of months of frustration and confusion, there came a point where we decided that it’d be best to speak about what was happening very openly. We discussed the possibility that Sarah may have been experiencing symptoms of ill mental health and began Googling, visiting the library to find books and information, reading articles and watching videos online in the hope of finding some answers to the questions that we had. Once we began to understand that the symptoms of depression and anxiety are genuine, mental health issues, it becomes much easier to cope and deal with situations.

The first step is in realising that this person does not have much, if any control over what they are experiencing and that they should in no way be punished or made to feel bad about this.

Now that I am informed and more understanding, I would never be angry or spiteful towards Sarah or anyone else over a mental health issue; in the same way that we would not treat someone with a physical disability poorly.

Depression and anxiety does appear to have various triggers that will be different from person to person. Over time (and it does take a lot of time), I do believe it is possible to find ways to identify and avoid these triggers and therefore prevent certain situations from happening. For instance, Sarah HATES going into shops on her own as she is anxious about speaking with strangers. The simple solution here is that if she feels that way, I go with her to ease her worry. I would also like to note that some exposure and encouragement every now and then to do these things that might make Sarah nervous is a very GOOD thing. The trick is to only occasionally suggest this and not force the issue. If Sarah is feeling brave, she might make a conscious effort to fill her car up with petrol and go in-store to pay for it. The idea is that the more times Sarah can pluck up the courage to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable; it will hopefully lead to a less negative association with the task and maybe one day she’ll be able to do it without hesitation. This is something that we are always actively working on.

The fact that she has recently visited France with me and is happy to try to speak French to strangers completely baffles me but is a great example of how unpredictable anxiety can be!

I have attended various mental health seminars, counselling sessions and self-help courses with Sarah, all of which have been tremendously helpful and we would highly recommend! They provide help and support, tips and tricks, coping strategies and much more. You can find links to these in Sarah’s previous blog entries.

A few things to remember:

Be calm.
Be positive.
Always listen.
Be supportive.
Research and learn.
Bring chocolate & make tea.

I wanted to write this blog for anyone else who may feel like they are in the same boat as me and to let them know that they are not alone! I am not suggesting that your path as a couple dealing with anxiety or depression will be simple or uncomplicated, but what I am trying to say is that it’s important to work as a pair to learn to live with it and keep it at bay. Sarah and I are closer and stronger than we have ever been and I do believe that it’s partly down to what we’ve been through as a pair. We have a dog, a bearded dragon and we live together. We write and play music together. We eat too much food, joke and laugh together. Most importantly, we love each other deeply. In the grand scheme of things, neither depression nor anxiety define our relationship. Therefore, they do not win.

I’d like to leave you with a song that I wrote earlier this year and currently perform with mine and Sarah’s band, ‘Carousel’:

Comfortable Skin – T.Eatherton

Live video here: Comfortable Skin – Carousel

I’ve never seen such comfortable skin,
You wear it around like the world’s not caving in,
But you know that it is,
You babble for hours and you dance like a child,
Don’t let the world get you down, make you wild,
All of those things make you who you are,

Don’t ever change,
Don’t act your age,
When like gives you rain,
Stay the same,

I started to see something change in your eyes,
A hurt that appeared in the height of July,
Oh, how time flies,
If only they knew what you’re feeling inside,
The darkness did come, stripped you of your pride,
But don’t let that thing make you who you are,

Don’t ever change,
Don’t act your age,
When life gives you rain,
Just stay the same,
Don’t push me away,
Don’t hide your face,
If you’re feeling the strain,
Stay the same,

We all have our quiet places,
We all have our saving graces,
I know and I want to be yours,

Inside we’re all broken,
Sick from the motion,
A world that keeps spinning and it never slows,
I am yours,

Don’t ever change,
Don’t act your age,
When like gives you rain,
Stay the same.

Tom x